29 weeks

I almost messed up how many weeks I am, ha ha.  29 weeks, almost 30.  I know I say it all the time but how did this happen?  I suppose one day at a time but jeez, it went by so quickly.

I'm hoping at my next appointment I can schedule my c-section and get that out of the way.  I'm still pretty sad about having to have another section but I'll take it over me or Mischa dying.

I know it sounds silly, but I WANT labor.  I want to feel the contractions, to know that that pain is my body doing what it was supposed to do.  My body completely failed me last time, lack of contractions, I never had any braxton hicks even.  This pregnancy is so different, I get contractions daily and I feel like if things hadn't gone so wrong last time that this birth would be exactly as it should be.  Oh well, let by-gones by by-gones.

Our next appointment is on the 30th, a little less than three weeks from now.  It's so comforting to feel her move between appointments, it reassures me that everything is as it should be.

I feel like I worry too much about infant death, I worry too much that Mischa won't make it.  Husband was talking about getting a tattoo for her on the weekend and I would not let him.  I don't want him to jinx her coming into this world and I said that there was no guarantee that she would make it, there's still two months where things can go horribly horribly wrong, and then a year after that where SIDS could still be an issue.  He thinks I'm crazy for thinking this way, but I guess when you've been up close and personal with infant death it's not something that leaves your mind, especially when pregnant with your child.

Either way, I'm going to treasure every second I have with my baby girl, just like I do with my chicken butt, because that's how it should be.  I think people forget all too often how precious life is and they take way too much for granted.

I love you baby Mischa, I can't wait to see your little nose and beautiful eyes, and to hear that very first scream.

I'll leave off with one of my favorite quotes that I think about daily:

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.
- Barbara Kingsolver