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Friday, August 26, 2011

A Letter to the Beluga

Hey there, little Blipper!

Just a couple of days ago I got to see you for the first time.  I was sure something was wrong, they couldn't find your hearbeat with the doppler which wasn't too surprising since you're only 9 weeks old, but I was still scared.  I'm trying so hard to not concern myself with the thought of losing you since it is out of my hands, I can only do so much to ensure that you are safe and healthy and I promise you that I am doing all of it.

I'm excited to see what you'll be.  Are you a little brother to Eli, someone who will make mud pies and wrestle and break everything with him?  Or are you going to be the dreaded 'baby sister'?  I don't mind either way because I know you will be perfect and beautiful and everything we hope you to be.

Daddy is coming around, he and I were both pretty nervous as first but we are ready to welcome you into your family and our life.  The perfect addition to round out the fam.

Don't have much else to tell you right now little baby, but I can't wait to meet you, and I can't wait for you to meet us.  There will be so many snuggles and kisses and love waiting for you.

Love you so much,

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

First appointment.

I don't know where to start.  It was a long one, mostly due to the horrendous birth and events thereafter with Eli.  My nurses went over my history and we filled out paperwork, that part was pretty easy because it was still filled out from last time, just a few things to update.  And just as a side note, but it just makes me laugh, they have to ask me every time if I smoke.  I've never smoke a single cigarrette in my life and I never plan to, but now is definitely not the time to start.  I joked around with her and said yes, I decided to start right now because I really want to lose some weight and I figured this was as good a time as any, ha ha.

Then my doc comes in, I absolutely love him.  He and I are so incredibly on the same page that sometimes it blows my mind.  He took about 5 minutes to look through all the notes from my hospital stay with Eli (and cracked jokes about me having too many notes, and don't I know to stay away from these ob people, ha ha).  After he was done he said:  "Okay, well, what I'm about to tell you I'm sure will not be earth shattering".  Basically what he said was that while he is a HUGE supporter of VBAC, in my case he thinks that my body just wasn't made to birth normally.  He said that he really thinks it is in both my and the baby's best interest to do a repeat c-section.  It isn't about the worry of rupture.  He came to this decision because of the fact that I was in labor for 50 hours and never dilated past 3-4 cm, never fully effaced, Eli never came down to the birth canal.  It just wasn't happening.  He wants to avoid all the complications I went through last time, and I completely respect that.  I basically told him that while I am sad that I'll never have a normal birthing experience, I do agree with his decision and in the end as long as both the baby and I are alive and healthy really that is all that matters.  He stated that he didn't really see the need for an ultrasound at this point because we are very sure of the dates, which is also fine with me because there isn't much to see at this point anyway.

Then it was time to hop up on the dreaded table.  So he checks my lungs, heart, blah blah blah.  Time for the pelvic exam.  This is my second go around and honestly all my modesty has gone out the window, and either way he just has a very comforting presence about him.  He does the pap smear which I didn't even feel (crazy for me since I usually end up bleeding everywhere and can feel everything).  Then time for the "internal" exam.  Another reason I like my doctor:  even when he's got his fingers jammed up in me and is pushing on my uterus he can still make me laugh.  We were talking about an author and he was recommending some of her books to me, and just telling me about some of the funny passages that he has remembered over time and I was just cracking up! 

He got out the doppler to try to find a heartbeat (mind you I'm only 9 weeks so the chances aren't great).  It was at this point that I mentioned that I just felt so much more pregnant at this stage than I did with Eli.  He mentioned that since I said something he noticed it as well and wanted to measure.  When he did he came up with 13 cm, which he said normal for this point is about 5 cm.  So either I am further along than we think, my uterus is very stretchy this time around, or there is more than one.  Crazy!  So we get on with the doppler.  After about 5 minutes he was not able to find anything.  He said that it could be due to the fact that I'm only 9 weeks and the baby is so small, and coupled with the fact that the baby has so much room to run around in there it is just hard to find.  Since I'm still having really bad pregnancy symptoms it wasn't something he was worried about, but he said "well, you just earned yourself an ultrasound."  Yay my body! 

I can't say that I wasn't worried.  Since I have some pretty decent anxiety issued the next 2 hours were spent totally freaking out and then reminding myself that I've got a lot more cushion this time around for the doppler to try to get through, and the baby is just so tiny. 

The ultrasound went great.  Baby's heartrate is right where it should be at 175, measuring right on track at 9w1d as of yesterday, so spot on there, only 1, tech said my uterus is just being rather "generous" with this baby, ha ha.  I can't really blame it, though.  Eli was a big one and I just had him a little over a year ago.

So all in all it was a little stressful, but so good to see that little flicker and hear that woosh woosh woosh.  The only thing that makes me laugh is I hear people say all the time how their babies are just swimming all around in there, mine never have.  They always just chill and let the ultrasound people get what they need, ha ha.

I guess that's all.  Just happy everything is as it should be.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Tomorrow is the big day.

So tomorrow I go in for my first appointment.  I am at 9 weeks today going by LMC, though ovulation may be off by a couple of days.  I am incredibly anxious.  I haven't made the formal announcement yet because to be honest I'm having a hard time "getting" that I'm pregnant.  I know to most people it would be incredibly obvious.  Unless my cycles have moved into the 60 day range, and I'm just randomly sick every day, and any number of other symptoms that pertain to pregnancy, then yes, I'm pregnant.  I know this, it just isn't tangible to me yet.  With Eli there was so much excitement and impatience.  With this one there is only worry.  My eyes have been opened to everything that can go wrong during a pregnancy and I am no longer naive as I once was.  Hopefully some of my fears will abate after I (hopefully) hear a heartbeat tomorrow, but even after that there is still the rest of the 1st trimester, I could always lose in the 2nd trimester, or there could be a cord accident or any number of things to go wrong at full term.  And even after birth there are undiagnosed chd's, or SIDS, or missed illnesses.  I am literally driving myself crazy right now with everything that *might* go wrong that I'm just having an incredibly hard time just enjoying the fact that I am bringing Eli's sibling into this world.

Just trying to tell myself to breathe.  Nothing good will come of all this fear and anxiety.  I am going to make an incredible effort just to enjoy this baby.  And who know, maybe it'll all go out the window when I hear that perfect woosh woosh woosh tomorrow...

Monday, August 8, 2011

Morning Sickness

It hit me this weekend, head on.  I don't think husband really knew what to expect, or what to believe as he always just thinks I'm exaggerating (which I am not inclined to do, but he is).  After a bout of lovely puking I think he actually believes, ha ha.  I worry that this means I am having a girl (as the old wives tale goes).  I am not caught up in being excited about either gender, and yes it would be nice to have one of each, but I almost sort of hope it's another boy.  I think only because it'll be easier, I know what to expect, I have all of the equipment.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my anxiety.  I have stopped taking my medication because I worry about how it'll affect the baby.  My doc did tell me the side effects, if any, were nothing to worry about, some jitters at first, but I just can't imagine making my baby addicted to something and then having it go through withdrawals on top of being yanked out of my stomach and adjusting to life outside of the womb.  Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, I don't know.

I am 7 weeks today, over halfway through the first trimester, unbelievable.  I won't feel much relief until I am out of the "miscarriage zone", and even then there are so many things that can go wrong that I don't feel I'll be really comfortable until the baby is over a year.

I really have nothing exciting to report on the baby front.  Still early on.  Feeling fatigued and nauseous.  Typical pregnancy stuff.

That is all.

Monday, August 1, 2011

6 weeks

So today marks six weeks, the same day that Eli is 13 months old, halfway through the first trimester.  I still don't feel pregnant, though things that would make me nauseous before almost make me puke now.  So I guess my stomach is more sensitive, but I wouldn't classify it as morning sickness (yet).  One thing I've gotten full blown is fatigue, I am constantly feeling exhausted which makes it very hard to run after a toddler that I swear has had a pot of coffee.  Work is another thing altogether, my focus is out the window.  At least my performance is still up there enough that I won't be questioned.

I'm ready for the second trimester, already.