Almost 28 Weeks

Wow, babygirl, we're just about to the third trimester!  You celebrated your "1st" Christmas with us this year and boy you really kicked up a storm!  It's good to know you were having as much fun as your big brother was, and oh was he ever.

It's so reassuring to me that you move so much, letting me know that all is well, I really need that.  We have our next appointment on the 3rd, officially the New Year and then it's only a couple of months until you make your debut!  How did the time fly so quickly?  I'm cherishing every single moment I have with you inside of me, you will be our last baby and I don't want to forget this feeling.

I'm trying to figure out how to paint the nursury.  You and Eli are going to share a room for quite a while, I don't feel comfortable with being on a different level than my babies and the only other room is on the lower level, I need to keep my babes close to me.

I love you little girl, we all do.  Can't wait to hold you in my arms.

Love Mommy, Daddy, and Eli

Jeez, 26 weeks!

How did we get this far already, baby girl?

I swear I just found out about you yesterday, and now we've only got roughly 13ish weeks to go, I know you're a little girl, and you love to kick/punch me in some very uncomfortable places (and you are doing so as I type this right now).

Daddy and I haven't really narrowed down names, yet.  Daddy likes Russian girl names, which is funny because I love them, I just never really thought he was into them.  We've been tossing a few around (Mika, Mischa, stuff like that) but I worry about pronunciation and teasing, I don't want you to have a hard time just because of the name mommy and daddy gave you.

I get scared sometimes, when you don't move as much as you have been, or you go long periods of time without kicking me.  I need that reassurance to know you are okay, because I already love you so much and can't stand the thought of you not being with us.  I need to see your face, you eyes, you chest moving up and down as you take glorious breaths, your tiny little hands curled up into baby fists, long chicken legs and tiny feet.  I need to see you ALIVE.  So please, promise me that will happen.  Because I need YOU.

Love always,
Mommy, Daddy, and Eli

And you are...

A girl!  I got to see you for so long yesterday, baby girl.  You're absolutely beautiful and perfect, I knew you would be.  Growing big and strong and healthy, becoming a perfect little sister to your big brother.  It's hard to think that in only three months you will be here with us, breathing and growing and smiling and cooing, all those little baby things that I adore.

Daddy is pretty excited, too, though he tried to hide it.  He bought your very first baby outfit: a nice warm footie jammie that's light purple with white polka dots and it says "I Love Daddy".  He also was already trying to pick out your name last night so we have a couple in mind, we can't wait to know your name.

Okay, baby, I have to go wrangle your big brother, he's trying to tear the house apart (sweep the floor with his yellow broom).

Mommy, Daddy and Eli love you!

Oh, I know you're there.

You're making your point today, little one.  I feel like you're trying to bust out already and while I admire your enthusiasm my uterus doesn't.  In fact it kind of feels like you threw a ton of extra fluid in there to literally try to make mommy explode, and I really don't feel like it.  Though maybe you're trying to escape due to all the added pressure of your brother constantly jumping on you, I know that would do it for me.

I love you and can't wait to meet you, but you do need to stay put for a few months longer at the least so please just make yourself at home.

Plus, that big brother is rambunctious and you'll need all the rest you can get before you meet him.

As always, love you,
Mommy.

19 Weeks

Well, we had our appointment yesterday little beluga, and you cooperated!  You've been making me nervous because I haven't really been feeling you lately and I was starting to feel contractions (probably braxton hicks) so they bumped our appointment up a week and we actually got a good listen to your heartbeat for once (coming in at a steady 146 with no defects heard, yay!).  Looks like you're already getting the star treatment!  You doc and I have decided that you are just going to be a difficult little beluga who has to do things your own way, your big brother was so easy, never gave me any problems until the actual birth, so I guess really he made up for his lack of trouble inutero.  With that being said, will you make this c-section easy on mommy?  I'm actually quite scared because of everything that went down last time so if the recovery is even half as hard as it was last time I'll be quite alright with that.

We have your anatomy scan set up for December 6th, 5 whole weeks away.  I could set it up anytime from Thanksgiving week on, but I'm good with that.  Daddy really wants to know if you're a boy or a girl, I just want to make sure you're healthy and happy.

Just stay cooking a little while longer, baby.  Once we hit the 24 week mark I will breathe another tiny sigh of relief, so lets take it one step at a time.

Mommy, daddy, and big brother love you!

Hey, there, baby.

Well, not a lot have been going on lately with you, huh?  I feel you every now and then when  you give me a good wollop, which I appreciate, it lets me know that things are still okay in there.  We got our bloodwork back and so far we're cleared for all the normal stuff, but we're still waiting on the CF test.  I really hope I'm not a carrier, and if I am I really hope you're okay.  You have to be okay.

Our next appointment isn't until November 10th, and we won't even know what you are until around Thanksgiving, that seems so far away!  I want to give you a name, but not just any name, YOUR name.

I love you baby, just please keep cooking away.

Mommy, daddy, and big brother Eli love you very much.

16 weeks

16 weeks today little one.  4 months.  How did this happen so quickly?  When I was pregnant with your big brother the time went so slowly, I didn't think we would ever get to the point to know what he was, or to finally meet him.  It's so different with you, maybe because I know what to expect, or maybe because things are just so different this time.

Either way, I am excited to meet  you, and I'm excited to find out if you're a "he" or a "she".  What do you think, babers?  I guess we'll find out in about a month...

As always,
Love,
Mommy

15 weeks

We made it to 15 weeks on Monday, little one!  Thank you for easing up on the nausea, I guess I'll take the headaches as long as I'm not puking (the migraines are a bit much, though.)

We've got a doc appointment today, I think you'll like Dr. Walker, he's pretty great.  He already knows how much of a pain in the butt you are, probably due to the fact that you like to mess with us.  That's not very nice, little one, scaring mommy and doc like that.  We need you to let us know you're still doing okay in there.

Also, anytime you feel like kicking me and letting me know things are still cool, go right ahead!

As always,
Mommy loves you .

Thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for still having a heartbeat.  I have been just sick with worry the past few days just wondering if you were still alive in there.  But you are, and I'm so happy!

You were pretty active, too!  Flipping around and punching, even giving us the loser sign on your forehead.

And the tech gave a guess, just for fun, that you're going to be a girl, but I'm not counting my chickens just yet.  I still think you might be a little boy.  Either way, baby, I love you whole heartedly.

Tech also told us that since the placenta is up top-ish that instead of kicking and punching me, you'll be punching that, ha ha.  Don't be too hard on your placenta, little one, you'll need that for a little while.

As always, I love you and I'm so happy you're doing well!
Love,
Mommy.

A Nerve Wracking Appointment

Baby,

You are just over 13 weeks today, and we had our monthly checkup.  Mommy is giving you plenty of room to roam around in there (not by choice), but you're taking advantage of it.

I need to be able to hear your heartbeat, this is too much for me to take.  Since they couldn't find you we have to go back in two weeks to make sure you're still hanging in there.

Please still be in there.  You're making me very nervous and sad and I need to know that you're okay.

Love you,
Mommy.

13 Weeks!

Well baby, you are gestationally 13 weeks old today, happy milestone-ish day!

I just weighed myself, too.  I've managed to drop a couple of pounds since I did this last and I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself.  I know I'm not starving you, you still get plenty of yummies, but I have been watching what I eat because I don't need a repeat of my last pregnancy.  Please be good to me, little baby, I'm only trying to do what is best for both of us.

Oh, and I apologize for the stress of this weekend.

As always,
Love you forever,
Mommy.

12 Weeks

Well, little baby B, you are 12 weeks old today (of course only inside me), way to tough it out with me so far!  Your next appointment is next week and hopefully you'll be a little more cooperative with your heartbeat.  Mama's anxiety can't take you being sneaky and becomming a ninja baby.

I suppose from here on out I will start taking belly shots.  I'm not too thrilled about this just because I weigh more now than I ever have in my life, and you big brother really did a number on mama's belly.  I'm sure you will too because we grow strong, big, hearty babies.  I'm fine with that.  You grow as big and healthy as you need to grow so I know you're going to be okay.

You've been giving me some pretty bad headaches, there, baby, along with some morning (evening) sickness.  I guess I can live with this as long as you stay alive in there, because mommy and daddy and big brother need you here with us.  Can you do that for me?  I'll learn to live with this as long as you just promise to live. 

That's really all I have for now baby.

Love you and can't wait to meet you (but not too soon!),
Mom.

Just Stuff

Well, baby, you are currently 11 weeks 2 days in your gestational age, and you seem to be going a little easier on me (other than the headaches, if those could ease up that would be great).  But I tell you, you sure like to take up a lot of space down there!  I feel huge already, and although I'm too overweight right now to see it, I know there's a baby bump because I feel you stretching out constantly.  It's fairly uncomfortable, but if it makes you happy then it makes me happy.  You grow as big as you need to be to become that giant healthy baby that we will meet in March.

Not a whole lot to report little baby b, our next appointment isn't until the end of the month and you better have that heartbeat good and strong so mommy and the doctor can hear it.  Daddy doesn't work that day so he may actually be able to make it to hear you!

Keep hanging out down there, baby.  We're excited for you.  We just bought a stroller for you and your big brother to cruise around in when you finally come.

Love you.

A Letter to the Beluga

Hey there, little Blipper!

Just a couple of days ago I got to see you for the first time.  I was sure something was wrong, they couldn't find your hearbeat with the doppler which wasn't too surprising since you're only 9 weeks old, but I was still scared.  I'm trying so hard to not concern myself with the thought of losing you since it is out of my hands, I can only do so much to ensure that you are safe and healthy and I promise you that I am doing all of it.

I'm excited to see what you'll be.  Are you a little brother to Eli, someone who will make mud pies and wrestle and break everything with him?  Or are you going to be the dreaded 'baby sister'?  I don't mind either way because I know you will be perfect and beautiful and everything we hope you to be.

Daddy is coming around, he and I were both pretty nervous as first but we are ready to welcome you into your family and our life.  The perfect addition to round out the fam.

Don't have much else to tell you right now little baby, but I can't wait to meet you, and I can't wait for you to meet us.  There will be so many snuggles and kisses and love waiting for you.

Love you so much,
Mommy.

First appointment.

I don't know where to start.  It was a long one, mostly due to the horrendous birth and events thereafter with Eli.  My nurses went over my history and we filled out paperwork, that part was pretty easy because it was still filled out from last time, just a few things to update.  And just as a side note, but it just makes me laugh, they have to ask me every time if I smoke.  I've never smoke a single cigarrette in my life and I never plan to, but now is definitely not the time to start.  I joked around with her and said yes, I decided to start right now because I really want to lose some weight and I figured this was as good a time as any, ha ha.

Then my doc comes in, I absolutely love him.  He and I are so incredibly on the same page that sometimes it blows my mind.  He took about 5 minutes to look through all the notes from my hospital stay with Eli (and cracked jokes about me having too many notes, and don't I know to stay away from these ob people, ha ha).  After he was done he said:  "Okay, well, what I'm about to tell you I'm sure will not be earth shattering".  Basically what he said was that while he is a HUGE supporter of VBAC, in my case he thinks that my body just wasn't made to birth normally.  He said that he really thinks it is in both my and the baby's best interest to do a repeat c-section.  It isn't about the worry of rupture.  He came to this decision because of the fact that I was in labor for 50 hours and never dilated past 3-4 cm, never fully effaced, Eli never came down to the birth canal.  It just wasn't happening.  He wants to avoid all the complications I went through last time, and I completely respect that.  I basically told him that while I am sad that I'll never have a normal birthing experience, I do agree with his decision and in the end as long as both the baby and I are alive and healthy really that is all that matters.  He stated that he didn't really see the need for an ultrasound at this point because we are very sure of the dates, which is also fine with me because there isn't much to see at this point anyway.

Then it was time to hop up on the dreaded table.  So he checks my lungs, heart, blah blah blah.  Time for the pelvic exam.  This is my second go around and honestly all my modesty has gone out the window, and either way he just has a very comforting presence about him.  He does the pap smear which I didn't even feel (crazy for me since I usually end up bleeding everywhere and can feel everything).  Then time for the "internal" exam.  Another reason I like my doctor:  even when he's got his fingers jammed up in me and is pushing on my uterus he can still make me laugh.  We were talking about an author and he was recommending some of her books to me, and just telling me about some of the funny passages that he has remembered over time and I was just cracking up! 

He got out the doppler to try to find a heartbeat (mind you I'm only 9 weeks so the chances aren't great).  It was at this point that I mentioned that I just felt so much more pregnant at this stage than I did with Eli.  He mentioned that since I said something he noticed it as well and wanted to measure.  When he did he came up with 13 cm, which he said normal for this point is about 5 cm.  So either I am further along than we think, my uterus is very stretchy this time around, or there is more than one.  Crazy!  So we get on with the doppler.  After about 5 minutes he was not able to find anything.  He said that it could be due to the fact that I'm only 9 weeks and the baby is so small, and coupled with the fact that the baby has so much room to run around in there it is just hard to find.  Since I'm still having really bad pregnancy symptoms it wasn't something he was worried about, but he said "well, you just earned yourself an ultrasound."  Yay my body! 

I can't say that I wasn't worried.  Since I have some pretty decent anxiety issued the next 2 hours were spent totally freaking out and then reminding myself that I've got a lot more cushion this time around for the doppler to try to get through, and the baby is just so tiny. 

The ultrasound went great.  Baby's heartrate is right where it should be at 175, measuring right on track at 9w1d as of yesterday, so spot on there, only 1, tech said my uterus is just being rather "generous" with this baby, ha ha.  I can't really blame it, though.  Eli was a big one and I just had him a little over a year ago.

So all in all it was a little stressful, but so good to see that little flicker and hear that woosh woosh woosh.  The only thing that makes me laugh is I hear people say all the time how their babies are just swimming all around in there, mine never have.  They always just chill and let the ultrasound people get what they need, ha ha.

I guess that's all.  Just happy everything is as it should be.

Tomorrow is the big day.

So tomorrow I go in for my first appointment.  I am at 9 weeks today going by LMC, though ovulation may be off by a couple of days.  I am incredibly anxious.  I haven't made the formal announcement yet because to be honest I'm having a hard time "getting" that I'm pregnant.  I know to most people it would be incredibly obvious.  Unless my cycles have moved into the 60 day range, and I'm just randomly sick every day, and any number of other symptoms that pertain to pregnancy, then yes, I'm pregnant.  I know this, it just isn't tangible to me yet.  With Eli there was so much excitement and impatience.  With this one there is only worry.  My eyes have been opened to everything that can go wrong during a pregnancy and I am no longer naive as I once was.  Hopefully some of my fears will abate after I (hopefully) hear a heartbeat tomorrow, but even after that there is still the rest of the 1st trimester, I could always lose in the 2nd trimester, or there could be a cord accident or any number of things to go wrong at full term.  And even after birth there are undiagnosed chd's, or SIDS, or missed illnesses.  I am literally driving myself crazy right now with everything that *might* go wrong that I'm just having an incredibly hard time just enjoying the fact that I am bringing Eli's sibling into this world.

Just trying to tell myself to breathe.  Nothing good will come of all this fear and anxiety.  I am going to make an incredible effort just to enjoy this baby.  And who know, maybe it'll all go out the window when I hear that perfect woosh woosh woosh tomorrow...

Morning Sickness

It hit me this weekend, head on.  I don't think husband really knew what to expect, or what to believe as he always just thinks I'm exaggerating (which I am not inclined to do, but he is).  After a bout of lovely puking I think he actually believes, ha ha.  I worry that this means I am having a girl (as the old wives tale goes).  I am not caught up in being excited about either gender, and yes it would be nice to have one of each, but I almost sort of hope it's another boy.  I think only because it'll be easier, I know what to expect, I have all of the equipment.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my anxiety.  I have stopped taking my medication because I worry about how it'll affect the baby.  My doc did tell me the side effects, if any, were nothing to worry about, some jitters at first, but I just can't imagine making my baby addicted to something and then having it go through withdrawals on top of being yanked out of my stomach and adjusting to life outside of the womb.  Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, I don't know.

I am 7 weeks today, over halfway through the first trimester, unbelievable.  I won't feel much relief until I am out of the "miscarriage zone", and even then there are so many things that can go wrong that I don't feel I'll be really comfortable until the baby is over a year.

I really have nothing exciting to report on the baby front.  Still early on.  Feeling fatigued and nauseous.  Typical pregnancy stuff.

That is all.

6 weeks

So today marks six weeks, the same day that Eli is 13 months old, halfway through the first trimester.  I still don't feel pregnant, though things that would make me nauseous before almost make me puke now.  So I guess my stomach is more sensitive, but I wouldn't classify it as morning sickness (yet).  One thing I've gotten full blown is fatigue, I am constantly feeling exhausted which makes it very hard to run after a toddler that I swear has had a pot of coffee.  Work is another thing altogether, my focus is out the window.  At least my performance is still up there enough that I won't be questioned.

I'm ready for the second trimester, already.

First Appointment

My first appointment with this new little one is August 23rd.  I remember when I had to wait a few weeks for my first appointment with Eli and I was so impatient and excited, but I'm about the exact opposite with this one. 

Yes, I am excited.  I am also nervous and apprehensive, and I have many horrible baby related anxieties that I am on treatment for at the moment.  I don't like to be on medication while pregnant but I can honestly say it is helping, and my doc (whom I trust very much) was candid with me about the possible side effects on the fetus.  And while I would prefer no side effect I guess I just have to weight risk vs. benefit (as with many things you encounter in life.)

So I sort of went off on a tangent there, I'm sleepy today and my mind feels like mush.  The good thing about not being so impatient this time is that it makes the waiting easier.  That's pretty much all pregnancy is, hurry up and wait for the next appointment, wait for the first kicks, the hiccups, then untimately the birth.  I was beside myself with Eli and I just couldn't wait to have my baby here with me!  I suppose that is what trying for a year and then finally getting pregnant after you had started to give up hope will do to a girl.  This little beluga was quite the surprise and because it is my second and I sort of know what to expect I find myself being able to relax more about it.  Ultimately that is what I would like.  A calm, relaxing pregnancy and birth. 

The birth will be easy (unfortunately) as I won't be allowed to labor (makes me very sad) and will have a scheduled c-section.  Epidural and all, no screaming or trying to push, laboring to bring my baby into the world.  Instead my baby will be surgically removed and I will have to try to figure out how to chase an almost two year old while taking care of an infant and recovering from abdominal surgery.  Deep breath in, hold, deep breath out.

I'm going to start my yoga again, I think it will really help.  I miss my Friday morning yoga, it really did just make me feel great for the rest of the day.  When we moved into our new house I lost my yoga and pilates dvd's and have not been able to find them, it has been driving me up the wall.  Then my husband went to use an old dvd player and my yoga dvd was in there!  It'll be good to stretch all my ligaments and muscles before the baby does it for me, I got such horrible ligament pain with Eli and I'd love to avoid as much of that as possible this time around.

So a question for my non readers - What did you do to prepare for your new baby?

The New Baby Beluga

So this is number two for us, coming a little sooner than we had planned.  I am currently 5 weeks and two days along, and I found out on July 20th, 2011.

This blog is going to be chronicling my journey with the new little monster as I really wish I had done with Eli.  There is so much of my pregnancy with him that I don't remember and I wish I did.  I don't have any belly pictures with him other than when I was going into the hospital for delivery.

They layout of this blog may change along the way, especially when we find out the gender (which I'm sure is boy).  Can't very well have boy themed blog if I've got a little lady on the way.  I'll fall into the stereotypes and I'm completely okay with that.

So today I will talk about the dreams.  I have always had pretty vivid dreams, many I can remember from my childhood, many of them not good.  My dreams tend to go towards the dramatic which is the complete opposite of me in real life.  I have no place for drama, I don't have time for it.  Who knows, maybe my subconscious is trying to make up for the lack of drama in my life by filling my head with it when I sleep.  The dream last night was of a miscarriage.  I gave birth to my tiny baby.  This is not the first time that I've had this dream, either.  I held her tiny little body with her perfect tiny features and I told her how much I loved her and I cried.  I know that in reality my baby right now looks more like a little seahorse than a person, but that doesn't much matter in dreams, and honestly (in my dream world) if that mean that I get to see her face before saying goodbye I am perfectly fine with that.

Of course I have dreams about other stuff as well, not always miscarriage or losing a baby, but they are also very vivid and very real.  Sometimes I look forward to my dreams, they are like tiny movies playing in my head and exercising my brain while I am asleep, and other times I wish I could just turn them off.  The times when I wake up with adrenaline pumping through my veins and feeling my heart beating through my chest, those times I can do without.

I think the exhaustion is starting to hit me, I remember it being horrible in the first trimester.  My schedule now is more crazy than ever: wake up at 5-5:30 AM get ready for work, wake the babe up at 6:00 AM and take him to the sitter.  Drive my hour and a half into work, work from 8-4:30, drive my hour and a half (sometimes two) back home to pick up the babe, home by 6:30-7, dinner, play, bath if needed (for him) and he's in bed by 8:30-9.  I have a chance to get my clothes laid out for work in the morning, straighten the house, and try to get a shower in before I fall into my bed.  I think this schedule is going to be the death of me.

I suppose that is all for now.